May as Well Mediate!

It has been awhile since I have posted. Still stuck in the middle of this mess, the girlfriend long gone so he has no reason to speed things along. I knew she was only after his financial support. Being a narcissist he would never believe it, but I think women are able to see the truth that seems to blind some men.

He started this divorce and has postponed everything so it has led to a stall in the proceedings. Now even with attorneys we are headed to mediation. I would have opted for this in the first place but then I wasn't given a choice. 

So it seems that my life is still under his thumb even though we have not lived together for over three years. Why are men still in charge of my life? From the attorneys to my ex, I am powerless in all of this and I don't understand why.

There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel as our mediation date draws near, wish me luck!

Here is my latest blog post for DivorcedMoms.com. Were You Hit By The Hurricane Homewrecker? http://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/divorce-rehab/were-you-hit-by-the-hurricane-homewrecker … via @DivorcedMoms 

I hope you enjoy it!

Now It's Getting Really Ugly!

You devote the majority of your life to marriage and children, then you are replaced by someone half your age. Somehow I didn't think it could get any worse until my hopefully soon-to-be-ex told me that our marriage had been a mistake.

As soon as I heard those words, the only thing that came to mind was the line from the Led Zepplin song D'yer Mak'er; "You hurt me to my soul". Wow, it really did.

That was hitting below the belt. He was not nice to me after we had children but this was the final blow. It is no surprise to me why this divorce is taking so long. He never respected me and expects everything to go his way, well I have a wakeup call for him, it is not going to. I am not going to let him walk over me any longer. He may have felt in charge during our marriage but I am going to be the one in charge of our divorce.

I am the only one that has made forward motion in this divorce. Even with attorneys you must be on top of what is going on. From now on I am going to be and hopefully soon I will get my life back.

If I had it To Over Again!

This week was signing day for many high school students. Sports of course, not how smart, how kind or how artistic the student was but for being good enough at a sport to get into college.

If I was able to guide my children through school again I wouldn't ride them about homework, I would have made sure they enjoyed and became good at a sport. My hopefully soon to-be-ex (yes still) always forced the idea of homework over enjoyment of activities including a sport. Homework was more important than anything including sleep.

The majority of kids that my children grew up with that played sports were signed to a college because they were good at a sport. These kids didn't have the stressful time of applying to colleges. They already knew where they were going to college, and the bigger deal they knew they were going to college. One boy I knew was signed as early as 10th grade. This must have helped high school to be much more enjoyable.

For my son going though life without his father, he decided he didn't want to apply to any college...at all. School has been really difficult for him and very sad. If he had played a sport and had the friendships that come with being part of a team he may have felt positive enough to have made a different decision.

I Hope The Spring Comes Soon, It's Time For A Change!

There hasn't been any forward motion in this divorce in so long and I think I know why. My soon-to-be almost ex hasn't finished his side of all this mountainous paperwork, and then I finally receive a phone call...from him.

I still cringe at the sound of his voice but this time the message was pretty positive. Let's decide on a separation date, this strikes me as funny because I still remember the day he left, why didn't he? I think maybe he finally realized after filling out all of the questions needed to change this date, that it wasn't worth the trouble. Or maybe he never filled it out, either way it has cost more money and time due to his even thinking about changing a real date into a fictitious one. It seems so odd for a man who was always so tight with a dollar is spending all of this money, trying to save money!

Deciding to do something I did have control over (as so much of this process is totally beyond my control) I finally reached out to an old friend someone I haven't seen in as many years as our age when we were friends. I didn't reach out because I figured she was enjoying happy married life. I was wrong about that, she has been divorced for awhile but it has not changed her at all. She is still the vivacious funny girl I remembered. 

If she was able to remain the same happy person she was before her divorce maybe I can too! Time moves so quickly, here we were living such similar lives without being aware of it. I learned that it is important to keep in touch with old friends no matter how busy our lives become!

Be Careful What You Wish For, You Just Might Get It!

Looking back on my marriage, I used to envy friends whose husbands went away on business trips. When they would remark how often their husbands had to be away on business I would laugh and say "I wish my husband would go away on business!" I really did wish that, at least then every day would not have been full of indifference and exasperation and maybe, just maybe we would have had a chance to miss one another! Well now he is gone (at least from the house) and I can no longer make that joke. 

It makes me a little concerned about some of the other subjects I used to joke about, like how my son would use his charming personality for good or evil. Now he seems to be trying to use it to manipulate me, which I am well aware of and not at all amused.

I do believe that whatever you impart to the universe, you usually receive. My mother is a perfect example of this, it seems she has always put forth negativity and in her life she has never had a lot of happiness come her way.  

I have always tried to live the opposite way, I have always tried to remain happy and positive even in the worse circumstances (after all most of us never want to be like our parents) and now I am trying to recall all of the other things I must have joked about, worried that some more may come around to bite me in the butt!

One nice thing I have gotten is my own blog on DIvorcedmoms.com, it is called Divorce Rehab, My Rocky Road To Recovery! I hope you will join me on my road trip, you know it has been a bumpy ride! http://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/divorce-rehab

I have also copied this blog into a Wordpress blog where I can include my photography, https://ididntloseahusbandigainedclosetspace.wordpress.com. I will continue to post to both.

A New Year?

January is already ending with no forward motion in this divorce at all. I have no idea when it will all come to an end and I can finally be allowed to begin the next chapter of my life! 

I was really hoping that this would be the last holiday season in this house filled with too many memories of a life that no longer exists. I feel my kids would be happier as well, as their dad really didn't spend more than a dinner with them and was not in town for the holidays. I think we are all ready to move on.

I did feel blessed to have my kids all to myself, but it also made me feel the power of separation as they are becoming older and moving forward in their own lives.

We are all moving forward together into new lives alone. The big difference is that my children are moving into the most exciting part with all of their lives with so much in front of them and I am moving onto the last part with my happiest memories already behind.

Happy New Year!

You know you are getting older when on New Years's Eve you are the designated driver for your kids. 

I don't mind spending it alone, it gives me a chance to reflect on the past year, thankful for my children (not really children anymore) and hoping this divorce draws to a close in 2016.

I am hopeful that this new year will bring new opportunities and new friends, that I will take more chances and try new things.

I am hoping to renew myself as the year renews and become a better (single) person!

I am hoping that my daughter regains her health and that my son will overcome his depression and learn to embrace happiness, live in the present and maybe even finish high school.

I hope everyone that reads this blog has a wonderful new year filled with joy, love and peace!

My Divorced Twelve Days Of Christmas!

The holiday season for those of us going through divorce can be a lonely and stressful time. I hope anyone who is reading this knows we are not the only ones going through this difficult time, there are so many of us, and our numbers still seem to be increasing. 

To give myself a laugh I decided to create my own Twelve Days Of Christmas, please excuse my artistic license and I hope you get a smile from it!

On the twelfth day of Christmas my almost-ex gave to me: 

Twelve summons brain numbing, 
Eleven demands griping,
Ten calls kept me from sleeping, 
Nine levied financing, 
Eight bills a-bilking, 
Seven lies a-hymning, 
Six hairs a-graying, 
Five olden flings, 
Four brawling words, 
Three Benched Friends, 
Two curtailed loves,
And a court date for alimony!

Yes, he is already trying to get it lowered and we are not even finished yet and it has been over two years.

Ah well, Happy Holidays!

Do Nice Guys (Women) Always Finish Last?

I have been the nice guy is this divorce since day one. After my hopefully-soon-to-be ex moved out, I called around to find out who his attorney was. It isn't hard to do, the person answering the phone gets an odd sound in their voice and they say they will get back to you. So I picked an attorney I knew would play well with his attorney. 

These attorneys have done this dance together representing opposite sides for decades and I guess it is going so smoothly that NOTHING is happening. In over two years we have had exactly one hearing, my support hearing, I am thankful for that but everything else has been at a standstill.

Everything (no matter how odd) that I have been asked to has been completed in a timely manner including a third (yes, crazy I know) appraisal on the house. My hopefully-soon-to-be ex has not, which is why things are at a standstill. 

When I asked about a court order to move things along I was told that it would take too much time and be expensive. Now I wish I had followed through on it when I asked the first time around, about a year ago. I have a feeling we would be farther along if I had pushed the issue.

I have also been the nice guy about bills my hopefully-soon-to-be ex is supposed to pay for, paying them out of my support instead of requesting payment through the attorneys which of course would cost more time and money. 

Then this morning I receive a notice for an amount of under $10.00 for a shared expense from my hopefully-soon-to-be ex. This is the day I stop being the nice guy, I only wish I could see his face when he gets MY bill!

Off With Their Heads!

After my daughter's hospital stay, I realized how we all need to stand up for ourselves and what we believe to be true. We are experts in how we feel within our own bodies and I am learning to listen more carefully to myself.

My daughter had been to the same doctor multiple times because she was not feeling well and each time the doctor asked why she was there, there was nothing wrong with her. That is how she ended up in the hospital. I wish I could have been there to stand up for her but it so hard to parent an adult child   on another coast.

Now my son and a medication. He has not been eating at all, so I looked into the side effects and no appetite was at the top of the list. A body needs to eat, no nutrition means no health; mental or physical! Two years have passed with no improvement and I am finally seeking out alternative therapies. I wish I had not waited this long but I didn't realize nothing was improving until everything hit rock bottom.

I couldn't help but think of Alice in Wonderland because that is how I feel, falling down the rabbit hole of divorce, trying to make sense of this new land that keeps changing. Every corner I turn there is another odd occurrence, another Caterpillar or Queen to listen to even though they may be speaking nonsense.

I just hope someday soon I come out the other side more aware of who is a Mad Hatter and who is not.

A Rose by Any Other Name!

After all of this divorce nonsense is over I am considering just using my first name or maybe my first and middle name as my legal name. All of my other last names have been borrowed for awhile from other men, not ever really feeling like my own. 

My first last name and name at birth was borrowed from my father. My father left us and the name seemed empty. This first last name only lasted until I was eight or nine and then I was adopted by my mother's second husband. 

My mother's second husband abused me and died by the time I was 12. I often think his death saved me from experiencing further trauma. I used this name until I married my hopefully soon-to-be-ex, glad to be rid of it at last.

This latest last name I have decided will be my last. I have used it for the longest time period of my life. It is the name I let rob me of my dreams and my future. It changed the direction of my life and I let it happen, I guess as I had let the other names control my life when I was a child. Each time shedding the life that came with it. This latest last name means nothing to me now but carries a connection that my other previous last names did not. This last name is also my children's last name which I guess is supposed to mean we are a family. I wonder how they will feel when I drop this last facade of my life. 

I think I will wait until they are old enough to understand how important it is for all of us to have our own identity and be able to choose our own destiny and not allow anyone to choose it for us.

Planes, Pains and Hospitals

It’s funny how we think we are in control of our lives and then karma or the cosmos come into play and all of a sudden you are on a plane traveling to a destination you had not planned. To make things even more interesting you end up on the same flight as your ex and …wait for it yes, seated right next to him. Boy did he look surprised, and not the good surprised either. He doesn’t really speak to me as this divorce drags on and the feeling sitting here is beyond awkward. God has a really good sense of humor!

Not sure why we have been pulled from our lives and brought to this moment. I believe things happen for a reason so it will be interesting to see what happens next. Our daughter went to the ER last night and is now in a hospital in the middle of nowhere.  I hope she will be ok, that is all I really want. That’s all any of us want for our children is to be healthy and happy, happy is good!

I am hoping that he can put away any resentment and just be here for her. As I have told him before that even though we are no longer married, we will always be a family albeit a broken strange one, but a family nonetheless!

Divorce: If I Knew Then What I Know Now!!

It hasn't been an easy couple of years, and I can't see an end to it yet! Divorcing a narcissist is a long, drawn out event. The narc always believes they are right, just like they always have. I have done everything requested of me but I just learned that he is still holding out on items that he needs to do-still. It is totally out of my control just like always.

If I had known I would be divorced at any time of this weird relationship, I would have made the move to divorce instead of trying to stay in an unhealthy marriage. I wouldn't have to attempt to rebuild my life at this late stage when I am supposed to be looking forward to growing old gracefully and an empty nest.

The narcissist picked an incredibly bad time to leave and my teen at home is still dealing with major depression, multiple medications and trying to finish high school. Of course I am taking care of this all on my own.

My kids now face a future with no family, and possible problematic relationships of their own as we were not appropriate role models to base a good marriage on.  I didn't want them to grow up without a dad but that may have been the better choice.

Maybe they could have had a new and improved loving family instead of none.

At least the part where I am trying to reinvent myself seems to be working out, here are links to two current articles.

Huffington Post Divorce section: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/what-its-like-to-get-a-divorce-and-start-over-at-58_55f84fc5e4b09ecde1d9d303

Divorced Moms: http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/frenemies-3-reasons-ill-never-be-friends-with-my-ex

Thanks for following along and I hope someone out there knows that they are not alone.

An Open Letter To My Replacement (The Other Woman)!

I've been meaning to write to you for a long time now. I've finally realized (not that I spend a lot of time thinking about it) that when you came in for your job interview, you were interviewing my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex for much more than he was interviewing you for. You were looking for an easier life not just a job. You were looking for a Sugar Daddy, and he fit the bill quite nicely as he was already in full blown mid-life crisis mode.

After he hired you (of course he hired you) I was nice to you, I welcomed you and told you I hoped you would like working here. I was being honest as he was not a nice man to work for and I often joked that he needed a revolving door as most employees didn't stay that long. I never thought anyone would deliberately go after a married man. I am the type that always tries to see the best in people, I guess that isn't always the case.

You knew he had a family and you didn't care. I had hoped that maybe you would want a family too, that if you got pregnant maybe this divorce would move along quickly, it hasn't. Silly me, I didn't realize you had been married before to someone your own age. I guess you didn't like the lifestyle it afforded you. After all making a life together from scratch is hard work, I know, I helped make this life you are now enjoying.

I didn't want to believe that women did these things to each other. As long as they do men will continue to be in charge of the world while we keep stabbing each other in the back (and waiting in line for the restroom, but that is another story). I will never do that, I am a great supporter of my kind.

I don't think you realize that you did not steal him from me. He was already gone. He left emotionally after we had children, one day at a time for many years. So in closing, I would like to thank you, you saved me from spending the rest of my life with someone that didn't deserve me!

Back To School, My Countdown To A Really Empty Nest!

Shopping at the mall, watching all of the families with young children brought back memories of back to school shopping when my kids were young. They look so happy, unaware of any changes the future might bring. Did we look this innocent and happy and when exactly did we change? Could other people see it before we realized it ourselves?

I just experienced my last back to school shopping trip! Now that my last "child" is entering their senior year of high school I am looking into a future not shared with a husband happily reconnecting after raising a family together, but an uncertain future, I guess of reconnecting with myself. 

We are all leaving home to start new futures. It will be strange, I've never lived alone. At least now I am free to choose where I want to live, what my home will be and what I will put into that home without having to ask anyone's opinion. 

I'm sure it will be strange for my kids too, they will not have a "home" that they grew up in to come back to. Instead hopefully it will be a better home, with new memories to be made and shared as we all start our new lives together, apart!

Real grownups at last!

The Narcissist: A Field Guide

I didn't know he was a narcissist when we met on the beach so many years ago. I really didn't even realize it until after he moved out about 30 years later. I wish someone would have warned me but narcissists are a sneaky bunch and good at camouflage so they can easily appear to be someone they are not.

My list for recognizing a narcissist comes from years of living with one, the hard part it that when you are in the middle of the relationship it is very difficult to realize it. Listening to friends was one of my downfalls as they always tried to make me feel better by offering good explanations for what I was experiencing.

So, If you are speaking to them and their eyes glaze over, they could be a narcissist!

If you go to restaurants and you can never accept the first table you are offered, they could be a narcissist!

If you have something bad happen to you and it doesn't seem to phase them, they could be a narcissist! 

If they do something nice and expect to be thanked too many times, they could be a narcissist!

If they fish for compliments too many times, they could be a narcissist!

If you say something about them that they don't like and they freak out, they could be a narcissist!

If they say things about you to elevate their own self worth, they could be a narcissist!

If they can never see your side of an argument, they could be a narcissist!

If you feel they never "have your back", they could be a narcissist!

If you constantly feel stressed and not yourself anymore, they could be a narcissist!

If you start thinking you are the crazy one, congratulations you have identified a narcissist!

The Divorce Dance: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back.

Summer is here and my daughter is finally home from college. I am so happy to have her home but now a little stressed too, her dad (my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex) sold her car and then made a promise to her that she could drive one of his cars while she was here. Yes I said ONE of his cars..... and as usual he says that he never told her that she could use his car.  Not surprised, he never seemed to remember whatever he said and he never seemed to hear what anyone else had to say either.

Then this morning he calls to say he is going to take me back to court to lower my support payments. Back to court when we aren't even finished yet. Back to court will only delay the progress we have made, and we are finally getting close to the end. I told him his attorney is only delaying the process to get more money. I told him if he wants to take me back to court that is fine but could he please wait until we are finished with the first time before he takes me back. 

He is crying poor, he says he hasn't made as much money in the years since we have been divorcing, of course not, he is spending money on his young girlfriend and taking lots of time off of work to be with her. He never took time off when we were married, work was always more important to him. He always chose work dinners over dinner at home with our family too.

Now he wants to work on mediation without our attorneys. He brought up the past (a really twisted version) and I remembered how he can only understand his own point of view. There is no way to mediate with someone unless they can appreciate both sides. In business a "win win" situation is the best outcome. That was not what he was offering.

Forward, back, cha cha cha!

Happy Birthday To Me!

Well I just celebrated my second birthday in the void between marriage and divorce, two years in, still not finished and unable to see the end yet. It was a better birthday, my son and I traveled for the first time alone. This year he was finally ready to experience a new "family vacation", I was so thankful for that! Last year he refused to go anywhere, the vacation memories were too painful.

We didn't over schedule, we didn't rush, we didn't see many of the must see sights, but what we did do was relearn how to experience a vacation without rushing. No longer needing to follow the breakneck speed that my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex set for us we set our own pace, finally able to enjoy a vacation without a schedule to follow.

It was wonderful, we woke up when we felt like it, we wandered the streets and we spoke to and were nice to people, something we were never allowed to do before. Traveling with my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex meant always being on the alert, watching and being careful to not look anyone in the eye, walking at such a fast pace that we missed living in the moment.

It was great, we made it safely, we didn't lose anything, we didn't miss any flights, we weren't hurt or taken advantage of and we really enjoyed each others company. We proved to ourselves that we could plan a trip and travel without stress and just enjoy the total experience!

Baby You Can('t) Drive My Car!

I just found out my almost soon-to-be-ex (but not soon enough) just sold our daughter’s 16th birthday present. She wanted a car so badly, it was all she talked about, so we surprised her with a car; a cute little red car. The color she wanted: red, but also what we wanted: safe. She is away at college and so she only used it when she was in town but it was her birthday gift for one of the most special birthdays. The birthday when a teenager is finally given a little freedom. Freedom to choose where they want to go instead of being told. The freedom to get themselves to school without having to wait to be picked up. A beginning of choosing their own destiny and our own beginnings of understanding that they will be away from us, out in the world on their own and they will be ok (even though we still worry, after all we’re moms, it’s our job).

We spent so many months looking for the car. So much research on used cars. We drove so many hours away to finally purchase the car and still had to look at more than a few others before we bought the car. On her birthday he made such a big deal out of it giving it to her. She had to be blind folded and led out onto the driveway, he had to videotape and photograph her response. All of the wonderful memories attached to this special car now damaged like the rest of our family memories. 

He didn’t let any of us know he was going to sell it, so when my son noticed that he was driving behind his sister’s car, he was more than a little surprised. So was she when he texted her to let her know. Just as surprised as I was when the texted me. I told him he had been given the serendipitous chance to follow it one more time. I wish my almost soon-to-be-ex had let me know that he was selling it, and the memories along with it.  I would have bought the car for her again, trying to preserve our damaged family happy memories as only a mother can. 

My Cheap fashion fix to be added later :)

Welcome To My Single Parenting Nightmare!

You haven't felt the real pain of parenting (at least not since childbirth) until your almost adult son does not come home on a school night. I didn't sleep at all last night and it feels like every nerve in my body is on fire. I'm sure this is something only another mother could understand. It is 1:30 the next day and he is still not home. He finally texted me so at least I know he is alive but he is not here. He slept in and missed school which hasn't been going all that well this year anyway. He has also been ill and has missed his antibiotic again and now is probably making a super infection that he will never recover from. Oh well.

Just once I wish my hopefully soon-to-be-ex would step in and show concern for his son. Why can't he ask his son live with him? Silly me, I almost forgot his girlfriend is closer to his son's age than his own (and more handsome too). I'm getting tired of being the only parent. Why did his dad get to leave the family and begin a fun, carefree life again? How can someone just step away from the responsibilities of child rearing? I think a lot of this behavior is probably seeking attention from his father. Is he going to have to hit rock bottom before his dad shows he cares and more important how much further down is the bottom? Hold on tight, it's going to be a bumpy ride!

For My Cheap Fashion Fix, here is a link to my continued trek of the desert thrift stores!

http://mycheapfashionfix.blogspot.com/2015/05/exploring-la-quinta-thrift-stores.html