The holiday season for those of us going through divorce can be a lonely and stressful time. I hope anyone who is reading this knows we are not the only ones going through this difficult time, there are so many of us, and our numbers still seem to be increasing.
To give myself a laugh I decided to create my own Twelve Days Of Christmas, please excuse my artistic license and I hope you get a smile from it!
On the twelfth day of Christmas my almost-ex gave to me:
Twelve summons brain numbing,
Eleven demands griping,
Ten calls kept me from sleeping,
Nine levied financing,
Eight bills a-bilking,
Seven lies a-hymning,
Six hairs a-graying,
Five olden flings,
Four brawling words,
Three Benched Friends,
Two curtailed loves,
And a court date for alimony!
Yes, he is already trying to get it lowered and we are not even finished yet and it has been over two years.
Ah well, Happy Holidays!
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Monday, December 14, 2015
Do Nice Guys (Women) Always Finish Last?
I have been the nice guy is this divorce since day one. After my hopefully-soon-to-be ex moved out, I called around to find out who his attorney was. It isn't hard to do, the person answering the phone gets an odd sound in their voice and they say they will get back to you. So I picked an attorney I knew would play well with his attorney.
These attorneys have done this dance together representing opposite sides for decades and I guess it is going so smoothly that NOTHING is happening. In over two years we have had exactly one hearing, my support hearing, I am thankful for that but everything else has been at a standstill.
Everything (no matter how odd) that I have been asked to has been completed in a timely manner including a third (yes, crazy I know) appraisal on the house. My hopefully-soon-to-be ex has not, which is why things are at a standstill.
When I asked about a court order to move things along I was told that it would take too much time and be expensive. Now I wish I had followed through on it when I asked the first time around, about a year ago. I have a feeling we would be farther along if I had pushed the issue.
I have also been the nice guy about bills my hopefully-soon-to-be ex is supposed to pay for, paying them out of my support instead of requesting payment through the attorneys which of course would cost more time and money.
Then this morning I receive a notice for an amount of under $10.00 for a shared expense from my hopefully-soon-to-be ex. This is the day I stop being the nice guy, I only wish I could see his face when he gets MY bill!
These attorneys have done this dance together representing opposite sides for decades and I guess it is going so smoothly that NOTHING is happening. In over two years we have had exactly one hearing, my support hearing, I am thankful for that but everything else has been at a standstill.
Everything (no matter how odd) that I have been asked to has been completed in a timely manner including a third (yes, crazy I know) appraisal on the house. My hopefully-soon-to-be ex has not, which is why things are at a standstill.
When I asked about a court order to move things along I was told that it would take too much time and be expensive. Now I wish I had followed through on it when I asked the first time around, about a year ago. I have a feeling we would be farther along if I had pushed the issue.
I have also been the nice guy about bills my hopefully-soon-to-be ex is supposed to pay for, paying them out of my support instead of requesting payment through the attorneys which of course would cost more time and money.
Then this morning I receive a notice for an amount of under $10.00 for a shared expense from my hopefully-soon-to-be ex. This is the day I stop being the nice guy, I only wish I could see his face when he gets MY bill!
Monday, November 30, 2015
Off With Their Heads!
After my daughter's hospital stay, I realized how we all need to stand up for ourselves and what we believe to be true. We are experts in how we feel within our own bodies and I am learning to listen more carefully to myself.
My daughter had been to the same doctor multiple times because she was not feeling well and each time the doctor asked why she was there, there was nothing wrong with her. That is how she ended up in the hospital. I wish I could have been there to stand up for her but it so hard to parent an adult child on another coast.
Now my son and a medication. He has not been eating at all, so I looked into the side effects and no appetite was at the top of the list. A body needs to eat, no nutrition means no health; mental or physical! Two years have passed with no improvement and I am finally seeking out alternative therapies. I wish I had not waited this long but I didn't realize nothing was improving until everything hit rock bottom.
I couldn't help but think of Alice in Wonderland because that is how I feel, falling down the rabbit hole of divorce, trying to make sense of this new land that keeps changing. Every corner I turn there is another odd occurrence, another Caterpillar or Queen to listen to even though they may be speaking nonsense.
I just hope someday soon I come out the other side more aware of who is a Mad Hatter and who is not.
My daughter had been to the same doctor multiple times because she was not feeling well and each time the doctor asked why she was there, there was nothing wrong with her. That is how she ended up in the hospital. I wish I could have been there to stand up for her but it so hard to parent an adult child on another coast.
Now my son and a medication. He has not been eating at all, so I looked into the side effects and no appetite was at the top of the list. A body needs to eat, no nutrition means no health; mental or physical! Two years have passed with no improvement and I am finally seeking out alternative therapies. I wish I had not waited this long but I didn't realize nothing was improving until everything hit rock bottom.
I couldn't help but think of Alice in Wonderland because that is how I feel, falling down the rabbit hole of divorce, trying to make sense of this new land that keeps changing. Every corner I turn there is another odd occurrence, another Caterpillar or Queen to listen to even though they may be speaking nonsense.
I just hope someday soon I come out the other side more aware of who is a Mad Hatter and who is not.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
A Rose by Any Other Name!
After all of this divorce nonsense is over I am considering just using my first name or maybe my first and middle name as my legal name. All of my other last names have been borrowed for awhile from other men, not ever really feeling like my own.
My first last name and name at birth was borrowed from my father. My father left us and the name seemed empty. This first last name only lasted until I was eight or nine and then I was adopted by my mother's second husband.
My mother's second husband abused me and died by the time I was 12. I often think his death saved me from experiencing further trauma. I used this name until I married my hopefully soon-to-be-ex, glad to be rid of it at last.
This latest last name I have decided will be my last. I have used it for the longest time period of my life. It is the name I let rob me of my dreams and my future. It changed the direction of my life and I let it happen, I guess as I had let the other names control my life when I was a child. Each time shedding the life that came with it. This latest last name means nothing to me now but carries a connection that my other previous last names did not. This last name is also my children's last name which I guess is supposed to mean we are a family. I wonder how they will feel when I drop this last facade of my life.
I think I will wait until they are old enough to understand how important it is for all of us to have our own identity and be able to choose our own destiny and not allow anyone to choose it for us.
My first last name and name at birth was borrowed from my father. My father left us and the name seemed empty. This first last name only lasted until I was eight or nine and then I was adopted by my mother's second husband.
My mother's second husband abused me and died by the time I was 12. I often think his death saved me from experiencing further trauma. I used this name until I married my hopefully soon-to-be-ex, glad to be rid of it at last.
This latest last name I have decided will be my last. I have used it for the longest time period of my life. It is the name I let rob me of my dreams and my future. It changed the direction of my life and I let it happen, I guess as I had let the other names control my life when I was a child. Each time shedding the life that came with it. This latest last name means nothing to me now but carries a connection that my other previous last names did not. This last name is also my children's last name which I guess is supposed to mean we are a family. I wonder how they will feel when I drop this last facade of my life.
I think I will wait until they are old enough to understand how important it is for all of us to have our own identity and be able to choose our own destiny and not allow anyone to choose it for us.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Planes, Pains and Hospitals
It’s funny how we think we are in control of our lives and then karma or the cosmos come into play and all of a sudden you are on a plane traveling to a destination you had not planned. To make things even more interesting you end up on the same flight as your ex and …wait for it yes, seated right next to him. Boy did he look surprised, and not the good surprised either. He doesn’t really speak to me as this divorce drags on and the feeling sitting here is beyond awkward. God has a really good sense of humor!
Not sure why we have been pulled from our lives and brought to this moment. I believe things happen for a reason so it will be interesting to see what happens next. Our daughter went to the ER last night and is now in a hospital in the middle of nowhere. I hope she will be ok, that is all I really want. That’s all any of us want for our children is to be healthy and happy, happy is good!
I am hoping that he can put away any resentment and just be here for her. As I have told him before that even though we are no longer married, we will always be a family albeit a broken strange one, but a family nonetheless!
Monday, October 5, 2015
Divorce: If I Knew Then What I Know Now!!
It hasn't been an easy couple of years, and I can't see an end to it yet! Divorcing a narcissist is a long, drawn out event. The narc always believes they are right, just like they always have. I have done everything requested of me but I just learned that he is still holding out on items that he needs to do-still. It is totally out of my control just like always.
If I had known I would be divorced at any time of this weird relationship, I would have made the move to divorce instead of trying to stay in an unhealthy marriage. I wouldn't have to attempt to rebuild my life at this late stage when I am supposed to be looking forward to growing old gracefully and an empty nest.
The narcissist picked an incredibly bad time to leave and my teen at home is still dealing with major depression, multiple medications and trying to finish high school. Of course I am taking care of this all on my own.
My kids now face a future with no family, and possible problematic relationships of their own as we were not appropriate role models to base a good marriage on. I didn't want them to grow up without a dad but that may have been the better choice.
Maybe they could have had a new and improved loving family instead of none.
At least the part where I am trying to reinvent myself seems to be working out, here are links to two current articles.
Huffington Post Divorce section: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/what-its-like-to-get-a-divorce-and-start-over-at-58_55f84fc5e4b09ecde1d9d303
Divorced Moms: http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/frenemies-3-reasons-ill-never-be-friends-with-my-ex
Thanks for following along and I hope someone out there knows that they are not alone.
If I had known I would be divorced at any time of this weird relationship, I would have made the move to divorce instead of trying to stay in an unhealthy marriage. I wouldn't have to attempt to rebuild my life at this late stage when I am supposed to be looking forward to growing old gracefully and an empty nest.
The narcissist picked an incredibly bad time to leave and my teen at home is still dealing with major depression, multiple medications and trying to finish high school. Of course I am taking care of this all on my own.
My kids now face a future with no family, and possible problematic relationships of their own as we were not appropriate role models to base a good marriage on. I didn't want them to grow up without a dad but that may have been the better choice.
Maybe they could have had a new and improved loving family instead of none.
At least the part where I am trying to reinvent myself seems to be working out, here are links to two current articles.
Huffington Post Divorce section: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/what-its-like-to-get-a-divorce-and-start-over-at-58_55f84fc5e4b09ecde1d9d303
Divorced Moms: http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/frenemies-3-reasons-ill-never-be-friends-with-my-ex
Thanks for following along and I hope someone out there knows that they are not alone.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
An Open Letter To My Replacement (The Other Woman)!
I've been meaning to write to you for a long time now. I've finally realized (not that I spend a lot of time thinking about it) that when you came in for your job interview, you were interviewing my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex for much more than he was interviewing you for. You were looking for an easier life not just a job. You were looking for a Sugar Daddy, and he fit the bill quite nicely as he was already in full blown mid-life crisis mode.
After he hired you (of course he hired you) I was nice to you, I welcomed you and told you I hoped you would like working here. I was being honest as he was not a nice man to work for and I often joked that he needed a revolving door as most employees didn't stay that long. I never thought anyone would deliberately go after a married man. I am the type that always tries to see the best in people, I guess that isn't always the case.
You knew he had a family and you didn't care. I had hoped that maybe you would want a family too, that if you got pregnant maybe this divorce would move along quickly, it hasn't. Silly me, I didn't realize you had been married before to someone your own age. I guess you didn't like the lifestyle it afforded you. After all making a life together from scratch is hard work, I know, I helped make this life you are now enjoying.
I didn't want to believe that women did these things to each other. As long as they do men will continue to be in charge of the world while we keep stabbing each other in the back (and waiting in line for the restroom, but that is another story). I will never do that, I am a great supporter of my kind.
I don't think you realize that you did not steal him from me. He was already gone. He left emotionally after we had children, one day at a time for many years. So in closing, I would like to thank you, you saved me from spending the rest of my life with someone that didn't deserve me!
After he hired you (of course he hired you) I was nice to you, I welcomed you and told you I hoped you would like working here. I was being honest as he was not a nice man to work for and I often joked that he needed a revolving door as most employees didn't stay that long. I never thought anyone would deliberately go after a married man. I am the type that always tries to see the best in people, I guess that isn't always the case.
You knew he had a family and you didn't care. I had hoped that maybe you would want a family too, that if you got pregnant maybe this divorce would move along quickly, it hasn't. Silly me, I didn't realize you had been married before to someone your own age. I guess you didn't like the lifestyle it afforded you. After all making a life together from scratch is hard work, I know, I helped make this life you are now enjoying.
I didn't want to believe that women did these things to each other. As long as they do men will continue to be in charge of the world while we keep stabbing each other in the back (and waiting in line for the restroom, but that is another story). I will never do that, I am a great supporter of my kind.
I don't think you realize that you did not steal him from me. He was already gone. He left emotionally after we had children, one day at a time for many years. So in closing, I would like to thank you, you saved me from spending the rest of my life with someone that didn't deserve me!
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