Divorce, Destination Unknown!

Flying back east to take my daughter back to college. Another first: we are traveling alone this year, just the two of us. We picked up the rental car and started the long drive north to yet another state. The sky looked absolutely apocalyptic, dark and menacing clouds seem to block our path, like a scene from a bad movie, our lives and our destination looked bleak, as the skies seemed to warn us, of what I wasn’t sure.

Driving the same route through the same towns from memories of too many family trips to see my soon to be ex’s family. Not mine anymore, (they never even called to see how I was, or the kids; their own niece and nephew).  30 years…I guess I was never really a part of the family, or maybe they knew their brother well enough to know I wouldn’t be part of their family forever. Or maybe they aren’t considerate people.

All of those years, all of that precious time spent visiting people that really didn’t matter in the end. In a bleak area, pretending to be part of a family that I was never really a part of. Now my daughter is here, maybe all of those visits had a positive effect on her. Maybe she has happy memories of this place. If so, then it was worth every moment spent here. I will visit often and hopefully the scene will change for me too, from one of remorse to one of joy!  

I forgot to remember that every cloud really does have a silver lining.

Buying clothing in New Jersey is tax free!

My Cheap Fashion Fix

The perfect gray top for fall

by Elizabeth and James

Regular price $135.00

Purchased at Ross

$9.99

How Do I Not Love Thee Ex-Husband, Let Me Count The Ways!

Summer's long days have allowed me time to think and wax poetic even on the subject of my divorce. Well, actually I can't blame it on the summer, I have been house bound due to having both of my teenager's wisdom teeth extracted at the same time. (What was I thinking?) Summer ends before we know it, leaving so many things to be done before the kids go back to school. This is our first summer alone, taking care of everything and anything that needs to be done. While my hopefully soon to be ex gets to be the free, happy, single person I guess he always was. Probably my mistake, when he told me he was thinking of moving out last year I asked him to wait until our daughter left for college. So he stayed (and was not happy about it). He was only physically here last year, so I should be happy with two teenagers to take care for instead of three. 

Even my kids say it doesn't feel that different, he was never fully invested in their lives or activities. Not until he realizes he has lost total control of the situation and then tries to become part of the family again. That is what happened the other day. He decided he wanted me to wait on my son's extraction, even though his dentist said it was time. He then continued to bring up everything that happened last year, which included his continued denial of having a girlfriend. Why must he always bring up the past when I am trying so hard to live in the present, one day at a time?

He now says he left me because I was decisive, like it was a bad thing. He said I was doing their extractions at the same time because it was easier on me. (This is anything but easy!) Since they both needed it done, I did want them to have a bonding experience, something they could look back on and smile the way they look at each other now when both of them have such swollen cheeks.

So how many is that so far? I've lost count. I really need to get out of the house!

My Cheap Fashion Fix

Light, dip-dyed woven shirt

by Sanctuary

long sleeve shirts sell for $79-$89

Purchased at the Ten Dollar Mall store

$7.99

Divorce Support Hearing Postponed! Really!

I can’t believe my luck. My hopefully soon to be ex (now not so hopefully soon) has been out of the house for almost a year. We finally had our first court date for a support hearing scheduled for next month and now it is being rescheduled.  Another month or more away. Why does this take so long?

Really? Rescheduled? Now? How long do I have to live in suspense? How long do I have to postpone my life? I am not getting any younger.

I have tried not to mind the waiting. I try to stay happy and not think about the loss of control of my own life. I hate waiting for the support checks that may or may not come this month or next month. I was hoping that the court would be able to enforce the checks to at least be on time.

I gave up my own sense of security, receiving my own salary for a career I loved. A career where I was respected. People listened to me AND I was taken to lunch! 

I gave up my freedom and enjoyment of my own life to help a man with his freedom and his life. In repayment for my sacrifice, I received heartache, and indifference. He didn’t appreciate anything I had to offer because in the end my life had no importance to any one but me. I wish I had known.

Even with all of this, I am so thankful and happy for my children, they are worth everything I have gone through and will go through. I would walk through fire for them.

I've been thinking; If people were forced to go through a divorce before they got married, I bet there would be a lot less marriages. And of course a lot less divorces!

My Cheap Fashion Fix

Charles David 

Jessica Suede and Tiger Wedges 

Regular price $295

Purchased at Ross

$8.99

My Life as a Zombie, (I mean divorced mom, but it feels the same)!

I'm really looking forward to the new season of "The Walking Dead".  I have always enjoyed the show before, but ever since my separation, I feel that I can really relate to a group of zombies that everyone runs or tries to hide from. Since this all started married friends have run from me as if I was a member of the living dead. The perfect piece of evidence that I have become a zombie: my husband (that I spent 30 years with) doesn't seem to recognize me anymore and whenever we meet he looks right through me as if I wasn't there.

What happened to the good old days when friends tried to fix you up on blind dates? It may not always have worked out for the best but at least it gave you good material for stories and got you out of the house. Working for my husband meant that I wasn't meeting anyone at work and now that I have been forced into the world of online dating I am still alone and at home. Are all the dating sites filled with other zombies? Are we all just mere shells of our former selves? Trying desperately to connect online in hopes of being rescued and meeting someone capable of jump starting our hearts in the hope of becoming human again.

Maybe I have always been a zombie, maybe that's why he could never see the real me. And maybe, just maybe, even zombies can be taught to live and love again. Here's to hoping!

 My Cheap Fashion Fix

A Golden Brown Linen Wrap Skirt

Lauren By Ralph Lauren

Listed on Ebay for $147.99

From DAV Disabled American Veteran's Thrift Store

$4.95

YAY!

Divorce and the Lost Summer

First the good news, as a divorcing mom reinventing myself I am writing not only for my blog but also for Divorcedmoms.com and I am happy to announce that I am in cyber print again! I wrote two new articles that I hope you will enjoy: 

"What my friends knew about my divorce and didn't say" ow.ly/yfcM4  ht
and "10 summer 2014 trends for the divorced mom on a budget" http://ow.ly/yk313 

This summer brings interesting timing. My passport had expired without my really noticing. Looking through it, there were memories of a past life that no longer seemed to belong to me. My shiny new passport arrived and like my life is waiting for its empty pages to be filled as I to begin my new journey. It may have to wait awhile.

This summer also brings another first new experience, the first summer without the kid's dad. We always went away to avoid the summer crowds in our own town and here we are in the traffic, heat and noise. My son refuses to leave the house much less go on a vacation anywhere! He still refuses to stay with his dad and rarely sees him. He says he really hates to travel and has always hated it, always chasing his dad wherever we went. It's true my hopefully soon to be ex always raced ahead of us, as if he were trying to escape from our family. Sometimes so far ahead that it was difficult to find him. 
Well he finally made it. 

 I guess in retrospect the good old days were actually not that good.

My Cheap Fashion Fix

A perfect summer top by

OneWorld

Regular price $48-52

Purchased at Ross

$7.49

 

Divorce, Lies and Videotape!

Well.... my hopefully soon to be ex came and videotaped the contents of the house. It was actually worse than I had imagined. He hadn't even figured out how to run his video camera, which just prolonged the torture. He videotaped everything, even items with little or no value. (Like the lucky bamboo plant, which looking back didn't turn out to be that lucky anyway)! I told him that he could have all of the furniture, all of the stuff; after all he picked everything out, even the dishes. (I was just a silly woman, how could I be allowed to make such an important decision like picking out a couch or a plate?) The saddest part for me was when I offered to let him take one of the large photos of the kids and he said that was ok, he didn't need it. I guess he really is only interested in the "big ticket items."

He was so careful to ensure he got everything on camera, even things he had given me. I guess I had forgotten how stingy he could be in certain areas, (like with emotions and affection). With wine too, he always referred to the good wine as his and got upset if I had a glass, I guess his mom never taught him to share. 

I am still not sure why the videotaping was necessary. After all these years of marriage how could he forget what was here, he hasn't been out of the house that long. Didn't he believe that I would take care of everything as I always had? Or that I wouldn't sell it or give it away? Did he think that I had changed? I haven't changed I am still the same woman he left. He hasn't changed either, only my perception of who he really is has gotten better. 

 My Cheap Fashion Fix

A silk dress with floral appliques 

by

Vivienne Tam

Cocktail dresses range from $250-$450

                         From DAV Disabled American Veteran's Thrift Stores

$4.95 
One of my favorite places to shop!

Anniversaries: From Matrimony to Alimony

May is an anniversary of sorts; it has been a year since my husband told me he had been unhappy for a long time.  That was it unhappy, not depressed or lachrymose, just unhappy. (Unhappy, I was miserable!) But I had made a vow "till death do us part" (and he wasn't dead), and I was going to stick to it. I had no idea his "unhappiness" would lead to all of this a year later.

Unhappy in May (2 months after hiring his "girlfriend") to moving out in August. Whatever unhappiness he had been feeling was nothing compared to the misery of living with him that summer. (I guess he finally felt like sharing). His moods made our hot summer a cold one; it was like living with a wild animal that was trying to chew its foot off to free itself from a trap.

Today I received the email about finally setting a court date for alimony in August, (another anniversary, my wedding month). It's hard to believe that it has taken this long.  As someone that worked for her husband and lost their husband and job on the same day, I have been lucky, (I always try to look at the bright side, glass is half full and all of that) I have been getting temporary support checks but every month I worry, sometimes they are late, rarely early, always wondering if they will come...I really don't enjoy that part, the waiting. It feels like I am on a bad game show, did I win the prize this time?

            

 My Cheap Fashion Fix

Slip dresses are in again!

I found this one at

My Sister's Closet

recycled designer apparel  

Laundry by Shelli Segal

$12.00

Regular price range $135-$325