The Divorce Dance: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back.

Summer is here and my daughter is finally home from college. I am so happy to have her home but now a little stressed too, her dad (my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex) sold her car and then made a promise to her that she could drive one of his cars while she was here. Yes I said ONE of his cars..... and as usual he says that he never told her that she could use his car.  Not surprised, he never seemed to remember whatever he said and he never seemed to hear what anyone else had to say either.

Then this morning he calls to say he is going to take me back to court to lower my support payments. Back to court when we aren't even finished yet. Back to court will only delay the progress we have made, and we are finally getting close to the end. I told him his attorney is only delaying the process to get more money. I told him if he wants to take me back to court that is fine but could he please wait until we are finished with the first time before he takes me back. 

He is crying poor, he says he hasn't made as much money in the years since we have been divorcing, of course not, he is spending money on his young girlfriend and taking lots of time off of work to be with her. He never took time off when we were married, work was always more important to him. He always chose work dinners over dinner at home with our family too.

Now he wants to work on mediation without our attorneys. He brought up the past (a really twisted version) and I remembered how he can only understand his own point of view. There is no way to mediate with someone unless they can appreciate both sides. In business a "win win" situation is the best outcome. That was not what he was offering.

Forward, back, cha cha cha!

Happy Birthday To Me!

Well I just celebrated my second birthday in the void between marriage and divorce, two years in, still not finished and unable to see the end yet. It was a better birthday, my son and I traveled for the first time alone. This year he was finally ready to experience a new "family vacation", I was so thankful for that! Last year he refused to go anywhere, the vacation memories were too painful.

We didn't over schedule, we didn't rush, we didn't see many of the must see sights, but what we did do was relearn how to experience a vacation without rushing. No longer needing to follow the breakneck speed that my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex set for us we set our own pace, finally able to enjoy a vacation without a schedule to follow.

It was wonderful, we woke up when we felt like it, we wandered the streets and we spoke to and were nice to people, something we were never allowed to do before. Traveling with my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex meant always being on the alert, watching and being careful to not look anyone in the eye, walking at such a fast pace that we missed living in the moment.

It was great, we made it safely, we didn't lose anything, we didn't miss any flights, we weren't hurt or taken advantage of and we really enjoyed each others company. We proved to ourselves that we could plan a trip and travel without stress and just enjoy the total experience!

Baby You Can('t) Drive My Car!

I just found out my almost soon-to-be-ex (but not soon enough) just sold our daughter’s 16th birthday present. She wanted a car so badly, it was all she talked about, so we surprised her with a car; a cute little red car. The color she wanted: red, but also what we wanted: safe. She is away at college and so she only used it when she was in town but it was her birthday gift for one of the most special birthdays. The birthday when a teenager is finally given a little freedom. Freedom to choose where they want to go instead of being told. The freedom to get themselves to school without having to wait to be picked up. A beginning of choosing their own destiny and our own beginnings of understanding that they will be away from us, out in the world on their own and they will be ok (even though we still worry, after all we’re moms, it’s our job).

We spent so many months looking for the car. So much research on used cars. We drove so many hours away to finally purchase the car and still had to look at more than a few others before we bought the car. On her birthday he made such a big deal out of it giving it to her. She had to be blind folded and led out onto the driveway, he had to videotape and photograph her response. All of the wonderful memories attached to this special car now damaged like the rest of our family memories. 

He didn’t let any of us know he was going to sell it, so when my son noticed that he was driving behind his sister’s car, he was more than a little surprised. So was she when he texted her to let her know. Just as surprised as I was when the texted me. I told him he had been given the serendipitous chance to follow it one more time. I wish my almost soon-to-be-ex had let me know that he was selling it, and the memories along with it.  I would have bought the car for her again, trying to preserve our damaged family happy memories as only a mother can. 

My Cheap fashion fix to be added later :)

Welcome To My Single Parenting Nightmare!

You haven't felt the real pain of parenting (at least not since childbirth) until your almost adult son does not come home on a school night. I didn't sleep at all last night and it feels like every nerve in my body is on fire. I'm sure this is something only another mother could understand. It is 1:30 the next day and he is still not home. He finally texted me so at least I know he is alive but he is not here. He slept in and missed school which hasn't been going all that well this year anyway. He has also been ill and has missed his antibiotic again and now is probably making a super infection that he will never recover from. Oh well.

Just once I wish my hopefully soon-to-be-ex would step in and show concern for his son. Why can't he ask his son live with him? Silly me, I almost forgot his girlfriend is closer to his son's age than his own (and more handsome too). I'm getting tired of being the only parent. Why did his dad get to leave the family and begin a fun, carefree life again? How can someone just step away from the responsibilities of child rearing? I think a lot of this behavior is probably seeking attention from his father. Is he going to have to hit rock bottom before his dad shows he cares and more important how much further down is the bottom? Hold on tight, it's going to be a bumpy ride!

For My Cheap Fashion Fix, here is a link to my continued trek of the desert thrift stores!

http://mycheapfashionfix.blogspot.com/2015/05/exploring-la-quinta-thrift-stores.html

Mother's Day Reflections

This was my second Mother's Day since the divorce started and the second without my daughter (who I miss like crazy). Looking back on all the Mother's Days that I have celebrated,  I really have to say that this was the best Mother's Day I have had in such a long time! My son actually spent the day with me, a whole day that started with lunch and ended with a movie and dinner.  I really couldn't believe my luck! He was sweet and kind to me the entire day.

That may sound strange but if you had been a fly on the wall of my many past Mother's Days when my children were small you would think you had entered into a theatre production of Cinderella (without the prince, the sparkly gown, or even the Godmother for that matter). My hopefully soon-to-be-ex would fix breakfast (usually with my help) and then leave me to clear the table and do the dishes. I did receive gifts (my favorites were the little painted hand prints) but after they were opened it was business as usual as I cleaned the house and ran errands.

They were not raised in a warm loving household (well I was loving but it was a cold place) with Mother's Day beginning with kids and a dad making breakfast for a mom still sleeping in bed.
I believe children learn by example but my son's thoughtfulness on Sunday gave me hope for my children's future Mother's Days.

For My Cheap Fashion Fix my new article on Divorcedmoms.com shopping for discount designer fashion: http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/ten-great-ways-to-shop-for-designer-fashion-at-a-discount

This (Relation)Ship is Sinking, It's Everyman (or Woman) For Himself!!

It has been such a horribly difficult year. My son is so unhappy, he can't make himself go to school and it is his junior year, the worst time for this to be happening. I am always here for him even if he is not home. He told me yesterday that he hates me and doesn't respect me. I am not surprised, he never wants to be at home, (well at house our home-life was lost almost two years ago). 

I don't have a social life (or friends as they ran like divorce is something you can catch). I am as supportive as I can possibly be and I am trying to model happy behavior (children learn through example) as I have told him being happy is a skill that lasts a lifetime! 

Meanwhile my still hopefully soon-to-be-ex has been living the good life. No responsibilities, free as a bird to do as he pleases. He finally sent me an email stating that he is very concerned about our son's school situation and if he had known our son was having so many problems he would have done something sooner. I reminded him that this was part of our court discussion last year. I also reminded him that he has known all along and has done nothing (probably due to the effects of new love, such a wonderful mind numbing state to be in).

My goal this year is to find some happiness of my own. I need some mind numbing love too and these two need to fix their own relationship. Point me to the life raft! 

If you have been reading my blog you know that part of my life raft has been budget shopping and writing (so much cheaper than a therapist). Here are links to my latest of both (and thanks for sharing my journey).

My DivorcedMoms.com article: How I Married The Wrong Person http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/how-i-married-the-wrong-person

My Cheap Fashion Fix: Chillin' Outside of Coachella! http://mycheapfashionfix.blogspot.com/2015/04/chillin-outside-of-coachella.html?spref=tw

It's That Time of Year!

For the first time in my life (since the 80's anyway) I am doing my taxes on my own. While I really don't enjoy doing paperwork of any kind (who does) this year is quite enjoyable since I am not being ragged on by anyone but me. The best news I found out so far is that I don't have to pay taxes on child support, yipee! You have to look for the little enjoyments in life when you are going through a divorce.

Of course it is not without any flareups from my still hopefully soon-to-be-ex. The other night I received the nastiest email I think I have ever received in my life. I should have expected it, money was always the most important thing to him and he doesn't think that after 24 years of marriage that I should have any. Maybe he received the report from the vocational counselor that told him that after so many years off of the job market that it was true I was unemployable.

Whatever the reason, I let him know that none of this was my choice. I am just trying to bide my time until all of the paperwork is finished and we can pretend we never knew each other. (yes that's sad too, after so many years of marriage he doesn't want to be friends !)

Of well to cheer myself up I go shopping and here is the link to my latest therapeutic purchase.

It's cheaper that therapy and I get to go home with something I really like!

http://mycheapfashionfix.blogspot.com/2015/03/double-take-consignment-boutique.html