After all of this divorce nonsense is over I am considering just using my first name or maybe my first and middle name as my legal name. All of my other last names have been borrowed for awhile from other men, not ever really feeling like my own.
My first last name and name at birth was borrowed from my father. My father left us and the name seemed empty. This first last name only lasted until I was eight or nine and then I was adopted by my mother's second husband.
My mother's second husband abused me and died by the time I was 12. I often think his death saved me from experiencing further trauma. I used this name until I married my hopefully soon-to-be-ex, glad to be rid of it at last.
This latest last name I have decided will be my last. I have used it for the longest time period of my life. It is the name I let rob me of my dreams and my future. It changed the direction of my life and I let it happen, I guess as I had let the other names control my life when I was a child. Each time shedding the life that came with it. This latest last name means nothing to me now but carries a connection that my other previous last names did not. This last name is also my children's last name which I guess is supposed to mean we are a family. I wonder how they will feel when I drop this last facade of my life.
I think I will wait until they are old enough to understand how important it is for all of us to have our own identity and be able to choose our own destiny and not allow anyone to choose it for us.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
Planes, Pains and Hospitals
It’s funny how we think we are in control of our lives and then karma or the cosmos come into play and all of a sudden you are on a plane traveling to a destination you had not planned. To make things even more interesting you end up on the same flight as your ex and …wait for it yes, seated right next to him. Boy did he look surprised, and not the good surprised either. He doesn’t really speak to me as this divorce drags on and the feeling sitting here is beyond awkward. God has a really good sense of humor!
Not sure why we have been pulled from our lives and brought to this moment. I believe things happen for a reason so it will be interesting to see what happens next. Our daughter went to the ER last night and is now in a hospital in the middle of nowhere. I hope she will be ok, that is all I really want. That’s all any of us want for our children is to be healthy and happy, happy is good!
I am hoping that he can put away any resentment and just be here for her. As I have told him before that even though we are no longer married, we will always be a family albeit a broken strange one, but a family nonetheless!
Monday, October 5, 2015
Divorce: If I Knew Then What I Know Now!!
It hasn't been an easy couple of years, and I can't see an end to it yet! Divorcing a narcissist is a long, drawn out event. The narc always believes they are right, just like they always have. I have done everything requested of me but I just learned that he is still holding out on items that he needs to do-still. It is totally out of my control just like always.
If I had known I would be divorced at any time of this weird relationship, I would have made the move to divorce instead of trying to stay in an unhealthy marriage. I wouldn't have to attempt to rebuild my life at this late stage when I am supposed to be looking forward to growing old gracefully and an empty nest.
The narcissist picked an incredibly bad time to leave and my teen at home is still dealing with major depression, multiple medications and trying to finish high school. Of course I am taking care of this all on my own.
My kids now face a future with no family, and possible problematic relationships of their own as we were not appropriate role models to base a good marriage on. I didn't want them to grow up without a dad but that may have been the better choice.
Maybe they could have had a new and improved loving family instead of none.
At least the part where I am trying to reinvent myself seems to be working out, here are links to two current articles.
Huffington Post Divorce section: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/what-its-like-to-get-a-divorce-and-start-over-at-58_55f84fc5e4b09ecde1d9d303
Divorced Moms: http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/frenemies-3-reasons-ill-never-be-friends-with-my-ex
Thanks for following along and I hope someone out there knows that they are not alone.
If I had known I would be divorced at any time of this weird relationship, I would have made the move to divorce instead of trying to stay in an unhealthy marriage. I wouldn't have to attempt to rebuild my life at this late stage when I am supposed to be looking forward to growing old gracefully and an empty nest.
The narcissist picked an incredibly bad time to leave and my teen at home is still dealing with major depression, multiple medications and trying to finish high school. Of course I am taking care of this all on my own.
My kids now face a future with no family, and possible problematic relationships of their own as we were not appropriate role models to base a good marriage on. I didn't want them to grow up without a dad but that may have been the better choice.
Maybe they could have had a new and improved loving family instead of none.
At least the part where I am trying to reinvent myself seems to be working out, here are links to two current articles.
Huffington Post Divorce section: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/what-its-like-to-get-a-divorce-and-start-over-at-58_55f84fc5e4b09ecde1d9d303
Divorced Moms: http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/frenemies-3-reasons-ill-never-be-friends-with-my-ex
Thanks for following along and I hope someone out there knows that they are not alone.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
An Open Letter To My Replacement (The Other Woman)!
I've been meaning to write to you for a long time now. I've finally realized (not that I spend a lot of time thinking about it) that when you came in for your job interview, you were interviewing my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex for much more than he was interviewing you for. You were looking for an easier life not just a job. You were looking for a Sugar Daddy, and he fit the bill quite nicely as he was already in full blown mid-life crisis mode.
After he hired you (of course he hired you) I was nice to you, I welcomed you and told you I hoped you would like working here. I was being honest as he was not a nice man to work for and I often joked that he needed a revolving door as most employees didn't stay that long. I never thought anyone would deliberately go after a married man. I am the type that always tries to see the best in people, I guess that isn't always the case.
You knew he had a family and you didn't care. I had hoped that maybe you would want a family too, that if you got pregnant maybe this divorce would move along quickly, it hasn't. Silly me, I didn't realize you had been married before to someone your own age. I guess you didn't like the lifestyle it afforded you. After all making a life together from scratch is hard work, I know, I helped make this life you are now enjoying.
I didn't want to believe that women did these things to each other. As long as they do men will continue to be in charge of the world while we keep stabbing each other in the back (and waiting in line for the restroom, but that is another story). I will never do that, I am a great supporter of my kind.
I don't think you realize that you did not steal him from me. He was already gone. He left emotionally after we had children, one day at a time for many years. So in closing, I would like to thank you, you saved me from spending the rest of my life with someone that didn't deserve me!
After he hired you (of course he hired you) I was nice to you, I welcomed you and told you I hoped you would like working here. I was being honest as he was not a nice man to work for and I often joked that he needed a revolving door as most employees didn't stay that long. I never thought anyone would deliberately go after a married man. I am the type that always tries to see the best in people, I guess that isn't always the case.
You knew he had a family and you didn't care. I had hoped that maybe you would want a family too, that if you got pregnant maybe this divorce would move along quickly, it hasn't. Silly me, I didn't realize you had been married before to someone your own age. I guess you didn't like the lifestyle it afforded you. After all making a life together from scratch is hard work, I know, I helped make this life you are now enjoying.
I didn't want to believe that women did these things to each other. As long as they do men will continue to be in charge of the world while we keep stabbing each other in the back (and waiting in line for the restroom, but that is another story). I will never do that, I am a great supporter of my kind.
I don't think you realize that you did not steal him from me. He was already gone. He left emotionally after we had children, one day at a time for many years. So in closing, I would like to thank you, you saved me from spending the rest of my life with someone that didn't deserve me!
Monday, August 31, 2015
Back To School, My Countdown To A Really Empty Nest!
Shopping at the mall, watching all of the families with young children brought back memories of back to school shopping when my kids were young. They look so happy, unaware of any changes the future might bring. Did we look this innocent and happy and when exactly did we change? Could other people see it before we realized it ourselves?
I just experienced my last back to school shopping trip! Now that my last "child" is entering their senior year of high school I am looking into a future not shared with a husband happily reconnecting after raising a family together, but an uncertain future, I guess of reconnecting with myself.
We are all leaving home to start new futures. It will be strange, I've never lived alone. At least now I am free to choose where I want to live, what my home will be and what I will put into that home without having to ask anyone's opinion.
I'm sure it will be strange for my kids too, they will not have a "home" that they grew up in to come back to. Instead hopefully it will be a better home, with new memories to be made and shared as we all start our new lives together, apart!
Real grownups at last!
I just experienced my last back to school shopping trip! Now that my last "child" is entering their senior year of high school I am looking into a future not shared with a husband happily reconnecting after raising a family together, but an uncertain future, I guess of reconnecting with myself.
We are all leaving home to start new futures. It will be strange, I've never lived alone. At least now I am free to choose where I want to live, what my home will be and what I will put into that home without having to ask anyone's opinion.
I'm sure it will be strange for my kids too, they will not have a "home" that they grew up in to come back to. Instead hopefully it will be a better home, with new memories to be made and shared as we all start our new lives together, apart!
Real grownups at last!
Monday, August 10, 2015
The Narcissist: A Field Guide
I didn't know he was a narcissist when we met on the beach so many years ago. I really didn't even realize it until after he moved out about 30 years later. I wish someone would have warned me but narcissists are a sneaky bunch and good at camouflage so they can easily appear to be someone they are not.
My list for recognizing a narcissist comes from years of living with one, the hard part it that when you are in the middle of the relationship it is very difficult to realize it. Listening to friends was one of my downfalls as they always tried to make me feel better by offering good explanations for what I was experiencing.
So, If you are speaking to them and their eyes glaze over, they could be a narcissist!
If you go to restaurants and you can never accept the first table you are offered, they could be a narcissist!
If you have something bad happen to you and it doesn't seem to phase them, they could be a narcissist!
If they do something nice and expect to be thanked too many times, they could be a narcissist!
If they fish for compliments too many times, they could be a narcissist!
If you say something about them that they don't like and they freak out, they could be a narcissist!
If they say things about you to elevate their own self worth, they could be a narcissist!
If they can never see your side of an argument, they could be a narcissist!
If you feel they never "have your back", they could be a narcissist!
If you constantly feel stressed and not yourself anymore, they could be a narcissist!
If you start thinking you are the crazy one, congratulations you have identified a narcissist!
My list for recognizing a narcissist comes from years of living with one, the hard part it that when you are in the middle of the relationship it is very difficult to realize it. Listening to friends was one of my downfalls as they always tried to make me feel better by offering good explanations for what I was experiencing.
So, If you are speaking to them and their eyes glaze over, they could be a narcissist!
If you go to restaurants and you can never accept the first table you are offered, they could be a narcissist!
If you have something bad happen to you and it doesn't seem to phase them, they could be a narcissist!
If they do something nice and expect to be thanked too many times, they could be a narcissist!
If they fish for compliments too many times, they could be a narcissist!
If you say something about them that they don't like and they freak out, they could be a narcissist!
If they say things about you to elevate their own self worth, they could be a narcissist!
If they can never see your side of an argument, they could be a narcissist!
If you feel they never "have your back", they could be a narcissist!
If you constantly feel stressed and not yourself anymore, they could be a narcissist!
Monday, July 13, 2015
The Divorce Dance: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back.
Summer is here and my daughter is finally home from college. I am so happy to have her home but now a little stressed too, her dad (my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex) sold her car and then made a promise to her that she could drive one of his cars while she was here. Yes I said ONE of his cars..... and as usual he says that he never told her that she could use his car. Not surprised, he never seemed to remember whatever he said and he never seemed to hear what anyone else had to say either.
Then this morning he calls to say he is going to take me back to court to lower my support payments. Back to court when we aren't even finished yet. Back to court will only delay the progress we have made, and we are finally getting close to the end. I told him his attorney is only delaying the process to get more money. I told him if he wants to take me back to court that is fine but could he please wait until we are finished with the first time before he takes me back.
He is crying poor, he says he hasn't made as much money in the years since we have been divorcing, of course not, he is spending money on his young girlfriend and taking lots of time off of work to be with her. He never took time off when we were married, work was always more important to him. He always chose work dinners over dinner at home with our family too.
Now he wants to work on mediation without our attorneys. He brought up the past (a really twisted version) and I remembered how he can only understand his own point of view. There is no way to mediate with someone unless they can appreciate both sides. In business a "win win" situation is the best outcome. That was not what he was offering.
Forward, back, cha cha cha!
Then this morning he calls to say he is going to take me back to court to lower my support payments. Back to court when we aren't even finished yet. Back to court will only delay the progress we have made, and we are finally getting close to the end. I told him his attorney is only delaying the process to get more money. I told him if he wants to take me back to court that is fine but could he please wait until we are finished with the first time before he takes me back.
He is crying poor, he says he hasn't made as much money in the years since we have been divorcing, of course not, he is spending money on his young girlfriend and taking lots of time off of work to be with her. He never took time off when we were married, work was always more important to him. He always chose work dinners over dinner at home with our family too.
Now he wants to work on mediation without our attorneys. He brought up the past (a really twisted version) and I remembered how he can only understand his own point of view. There is no way to mediate with someone unless they can appreciate both sides. In business a "win win" situation is the best outcome. That was not what he was offering.
Forward, back, cha cha cha!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)