Back To School, My Countdown To A Really Empty Nest!

Shopping at the mall, watching all of the families with young children brought back memories of back to school shopping when my kids were young. They look so happy, unaware of any changes the future might bring. Did we look this innocent and happy and when exactly did we change? Could other people see it before we realized it ourselves?

I just experienced my last back to school shopping trip! Now that my last "child" is entering their senior year of high school I am looking into a future not shared with a husband happily reconnecting after raising a family together, but an uncertain future, I guess of reconnecting with myself. 

We are all leaving home to start new futures. It will be strange, I've never lived alone. At least now I am free to choose where I want to live, what my home will be and what I will put into that home without having to ask anyone's opinion. 

I'm sure it will be strange for my kids too, they will not have a "home" that they grew up in to come back to. Instead hopefully it will be a better home, with new memories to be made and shared as we all start our new lives together, apart!

Real grownups at last!

The Narcissist: A Field Guide

I didn't know he was a narcissist when we met on the beach so many years ago. I really didn't even realize it until after he moved out about 30 years later. I wish someone would have warned me but narcissists are a sneaky bunch and good at camouflage so they can easily appear to be someone they are not.

My list for recognizing a narcissist comes from years of living with one, the hard part it that when you are in the middle of the relationship it is very difficult to realize it. Listening to friends was one of my downfalls as they always tried to make me feel better by offering good explanations for what I was experiencing.

So, If you are speaking to them and their eyes glaze over, they could be a narcissist!

If you go to restaurants and you can never accept the first table you are offered, they could be a narcissist!

If you have something bad happen to you and it doesn't seem to phase them, they could be a narcissist! 

If they do something nice and expect to be thanked too many times, they could be a narcissist!

If they fish for compliments too many times, they could be a narcissist!

If you say something about them that they don't like and they freak out, they could be a narcissist!

If they say things about you to elevate their own self worth, they could be a narcissist!

If they can never see your side of an argument, they could be a narcissist!

If you feel they never "have your back", they could be a narcissist!

If you constantly feel stressed and not yourself anymore, they could be a narcissist!

If you start thinking you are the crazy one, congratulations you have identified a narcissist!

The Divorce Dance: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back.

Summer is here and my daughter is finally home from college. I am so happy to have her home but now a little stressed too, her dad (my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex) sold her car and then made a promise to her that she could drive one of his cars while she was here. Yes I said ONE of his cars..... and as usual he says that he never told her that she could use his car.  Not surprised, he never seemed to remember whatever he said and he never seemed to hear what anyone else had to say either.

Then this morning he calls to say he is going to take me back to court to lower my support payments. Back to court when we aren't even finished yet. Back to court will only delay the progress we have made, and we are finally getting close to the end. I told him his attorney is only delaying the process to get more money. I told him if he wants to take me back to court that is fine but could he please wait until we are finished with the first time before he takes me back. 

He is crying poor, he says he hasn't made as much money in the years since we have been divorcing, of course not, he is spending money on his young girlfriend and taking lots of time off of work to be with her. He never took time off when we were married, work was always more important to him. He always chose work dinners over dinner at home with our family too.

Now he wants to work on mediation without our attorneys. He brought up the past (a really twisted version) and I remembered how he can only understand his own point of view. There is no way to mediate with someone unless they can appreciate both sides. In business a "win win" situation is the best outcome. That was not what he was offering.

Forward, back, cha cha cha!

Happy Birthday To Me!

Well I just celebrated my second birthday in the void between marriage and divorce, two years in, still not finished and unable to see the end yet. It was a better birthday, my son and I traveled for the first time alone. This year he was finally ready to experience a new "family vacation", I was so thankful for that! Last year he refused to go anywhere, the vacation memories were too painful.

We didn't over schedule, we didn't rush, we didn't see many of the must see sights, but what we did do was relearn how to experience a vacation without rushing. No longer needing to follow the breakneck speed that my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex set for us we set our own pace, finally able to enjoy a vacation without a schedule to follow.

It was wonderful, we woke up when we felt like it, we wandered the streets and we spoke to and were nice to people, something we were never allowed to do before. Traveling with my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex meant always being on the alert, watching and being careful to not look anyone in the eye, walking at such a fast pace that we missed living in the moment.

It was great, we made it safely, we didn't lose anything, we didn't miss any flights, we weren't hurt or taken advantage of and we really enjoyed each others company. We proved to ourselves that we could plan a trip and travel without stress and just enjoy the total experience!

Baby You Can('t) Drive My Car!

I just found out my almost soon-to-be-ex (but not soon enough) just sold our daughter’s 16th birthday present. She wanted a car so badly, it was all she talked about, so we surprised her with a car; a cute little red car. The color she wanted: red, but also what we wanted: safe. She is away at college and so she only used it when she was in town but it was her birthday gift for one of the most special birthdays. The birthday when a teenager is finally given a little freedom. Freedom to choose where they want to go instead of being told. The freedom to get themselves to school without having to wait to be picked up. A beginning of choosing their own destiny and our own beginnings of understanding that they will be away from us, out in the world on their own and they will be ok (even though we still worry, after all we’re moms, it’s our job).

We spent so many months looking for the car. So much research on used cars. We drove so many hours away to finally purchase the car and still had to look at more than a few others before we bought the car. On her birthday he made such a big deal out of it giving it to her. She had to be blind folded and led out onto the driveway, he had to videotape and photograph her response. All of the wonderful memories attached to this special car now damaged like the rest of our family memories. 

He didn’t let any of us know he was going to sell it, so when my son noticed that he was driving behind his sister’s car, he was more than a little surprised. So was she when he texted her to let her know. Just as surprised as I was when the texted me. I told him he had been given the serendipitous chance to follow it one more time. I wish my almost soon-to-be-ex had let me know that he was selling it, and the memories along with it.  I would have bought the car for her again, trying to preserve our damaged family happy memories as only a mother can. 

My Cheap fashion fix to be added later :)

Welcome To My Single Parenting Nightmare!

You haven't felt the real pain of parenting (at least not since childbirth) until your almost adult son does not come home on a school night. I didn't sleep at all last night and it feels like every nerve in my body is on fire. I'm sure this is something only another mother could understand. It is 1:30 the next day and he is still not home. He finally texted me so at least I know he is alive but he is not here. He slept in and missed school which hasn't been going all that well this year anyway. He has also been ill and has missed his antibiotic again and now is probably making a super infection that he will never recover from. Oh well.

Just once I wish my hopefully soon-to-be-ex would step in and show concern for his son. Why can't he ask his son live with him? Silly me, I almost forgot his girlfriend is closer to his son's age than his own (and more handsome too). I'm getting tired of being the only parent. Why did his dad get to leave the family and begin a fun, carefree life again? How can someone just step away from the responsibilities of child rearing? I think a lot of this behavior is probably seeking attention from his father. Is he going to have to hit rock bottom before his dad shows he cares and more important how much further down is the bottom? Hold on tight, it's going to be a bumpy ride!

For My Cheap Fashion Fix, here is a link to my continued trek of the desert thrift stores!

http://mycheapfashionfix.blogspot.com/2015/05/exploring-la-quinta-thrift-stores.html

Mother's Day Reflections

This was my second Mother's Day since the divorce started and the second without my daughter (who I miss like crazy). Looking back on all the Mother's Days that I have celebrated,  I really have to say that this was the best Mother's Day I have had in such a long time! My son actually spent the day with me, a whole day that started with lunch and ended with a movie and dinner.  I really couldn't believe my luck! He was sweet and kind to me the entire day.

That may sound strange but if you had been a fly on the wall of my many past Mother's Days when my children were small you would think you had entered into a theatre production of Cinderella (without the prince, the sparkly gown, or even the Godmother for that matter). My hopefully soon-to-be-ex would fix breakfast (usually with my help) and then leave me to clear the table and do the dishes. I did receive gifts (my favorites were the little painted hand prints) but after they were opened it was business as usual as I cleaned the house and ran errands.

They were not raised in a warm loving household (well I was loving but it was a cold place) with Mother's Day beginning with kids and a dad making breakfast for a mom still sleeping in bed.
I believe children learn by example but my son's thoughtfulness on Sunday gave me hope for my children's future Mother's Days.

For My Cheap Fashion Fix my new article on Divorcedmoms.com shopping for discount designer fashion: http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/ten-great-ways-to-shop-for-designer-fashion-at-a-discount